Sandor Babysits
by MasksandMirrors
Summary: AU in which Sandor is forced to babysit Joffrey (aged 11), Sansa (aged 10) and Arya (aged 8). Chaos ensues.


Sandor sat on the Lannister's sofa, tapping his foot nervously against the floor. He looked at Robert Baratheon who was adjusting his tie in the mirror.

"It's just," Sandor said in his growly voice. "I'm no good with kids."

Robert laughed heartily. "Nonsense, you're fine with Joffrey, how hard can it be!"

Sandor frowned and looked at the blond boy sat next to him on the couch who was adjusting his plastic crossbow with a disturbing grin on his face.

Sandor worked as a bodyguard for their family, due to Robert's job as major of the city. That evening he and his wife, Cersei, were having dinner with Ned and Catelyn Stark. The two men had been friends since they were boys and the wives were civil towards one another. Sandor often watched over Joffrey whenever Robert was out at charity events or meetings and Robert had thought it a good idea for him to watch the Stark children for the evening too. Whenever Sandor stayed with Joffrey, however, he didn't have to do anything; he just sat there drinking beer. But now there were two other children added to the equation and that was two too many for Sandor.

At that moment, Cersei entered the room, fiddling with her earrings, choosing between a pair of green ones and a pair of red ones. She walked towards Joffrey and crouched down in front of him.

"Joff, darling, which do you think mummy would look nicer wearing?" She asked, a rare smile appearing on her cold face.

"No one's going to be looking at you, woman," Robert muttered as he stood by the door, waiting.

Cersei's smile disappeared as quickly as it had appeared and stood up, giving Sandor an icy look before walking out of the house.

"We'll be gone all evening and Ned's dropping the girls round in a bit," Robert called and shut the door behind him.

Sandor ran a hand through his hair, feeling anxious.

"Dog," Joffrey snapped.

Sandor turned slowly towards him, an eyebrow raised.

"I don't want those stupid girls to come round, they're _stupid_."

"You'll do as your parents tell you," Sandor growled.

Joffrey was silent for a while, trying to think of a good comeback. "Dog," he muttered.

There was a loud knock at the door and Sandor crossed the room and stood in front of the door. He took a deep breath and opened it.

He recognised Ned and Catelyn, often guests at Robert's house, and nodded at them.

"We appreciate you doing this," Ned said.

Sandor then noticed the two children standing in front of their parents. The taller girl, and probably older, had long red hair and wore a pink dress, clutching a toy doll to her chest. She appeared anxious and smiled shyly at him. The other girl was shorter and wore shorts and a baggy t-shirt; she had short dark hair and was scowling up at Sandor. He looked at her, confused, but she did not break eye contact.

Catelyn cleared her throat and handed Sandor a small white box. "Here's a first aid kit. I advise you to keep it close, Arya is prone to accidents," she paused. "Or causing them."

'_No need to guess which one's Arya_,' Sandor thought.

"Thanks," he said, taking the box from her. "Have a nice night."

The Starks bid him goodnight and closed the door behind them. Sansa walked timidly into the living room and sat next to Joffrey, playing with her doll's hair. Arya, however, continued to glare at Sandor.

"I hate you," she hissed.

Sandor stared at her with incredulity. "I've only just _met _you!"

"You hurt Mycah!"

Sandor frowned and scratched his head. "Mycah?"

"Mycah; my best friend!" Arya yelled.

Sandor suddenly remembered. "The butcher's kid? I didn't _see_ him! He just ran out in front my car!"

"You broke his leg!"

"Well I'm very sorry!" Sandor snapped.

Arya pouted and walked past him and he could have sworn she whispered, _'you will be'_ under her breath.

Sandor sighed and stood in front of the TV, looking down at the three children.

"Here's the deal, kids. I don't know what you guys do for fun so what do you want to do?"

"We could watch TV," Sansa suggested quietly.

"Only if it's what _I_ want to watch because it's _my_ house and _my_ TV," Joffrey said, putting his crossbow down.

"It has to be something you all want to watch. Joffrey, it's not _your_ TV it's your _parents'_ TV. There's a difference," Sandor rasped, smirking at Joffrey's scowling face. It was his duty to look after the kid, but after all, Joffrey was a little shit.

He walked into the kitchen and got a glass of coke, thinking it best not to have any alcohol. He put the medical box on top of the fridge and leaned against the counter, enjoying the refreshing taste of the drink.

"This is gunna be harder than I thought," Sandor muttered, closing his eyes for a few moments.

He eventually became aware of the sound of swords and explosions coming from the living room. His eyes snapped open.

He poked his head round the door of the living room, ignoring the mess of cushions on the floor, and eyed the TV suspiciously.

"_Fuck the king_,"

"TURN IT OFF!" Sandor yelled and yanked the cable out of the plug socket.

Joffrey yelled at him and Arya began jumping up and down on the sofa, exasperated.

"Fuck," Sansa whispered and Sandor could practically hear her adding it to the list of naughty words in her vocabulary.

Sandor looked at the children, frustrated. "Can't you guys just watch Teletubbies or something?"

Arya shrieked with laughter. "We're too _old_ for Teletubbies!"

"Well find some way to entertain yourselves," Sandor snapped.

At that moment, Joffrey scampered off and came back several moments later, dragging his enormous toy box behind him. He opened it up hastily and took out two wooden swords.

Arya grinned and grabbed one but Sansa stayed where she was on the sofa.

Sandor watched as Arya and Joffrey began to duel and tried not to laugh every time Arya caught Joffrey with her sword and he yelped with pain. Arya backed Joffrey into the corner of the room and finally lunged at him, sending him flying backwards onto the ground.

"No!" Sansa squealed, standing up on the sofa.

Arya glared at her and ran towards her sister, flailing her sword above her head. Sansa began to cry as she stumbled away from her sister and leapt off the sofa arm, only to fall flat on her face on the floor. Sansa began to scream with pain and Sandor rolled his eyes.

"Arya, apologise," he muttered.

Arya's eyes widened. "No, _she_ has to apologise to _me_!"

Sandor growled and picked Sansa up, still howling, and carried her to the kitchen table, plopping her down on the surface.

"Will I need stitches?" Sansa wailed, huge tears rolling down her cheeks.

Sandor chuckled. "No you won't."

Sansa had a graze on her chin from where she'd hit the ground, but her dress had protected the rest of her body.

Sandor remembered the medical box, grabbed it from the top of the fridge and opened it up. Inside there were various medicines, painkillers and two boxes of plasters. He picked them both up and inspected them; one box had pink princess ones and the other box contained army camouflaged ones.

"Wonder whose is whose," Sandor murmured, taking a princess one.

By that time Sansa's cries had been reduced to sniffles. Sandor bent down in front of her and applied the plaster to her chin.

Sansa smiled at him. "Thank you, mister."

Sandor smiled back at her, she was a sweet kid.

She hopped down from the table. "I'll help you clean up," she said, and went back into the living room to begin picking up the discarded pillows.

Sandor sat on one of the chairs at the table and rubbed a hand across his face, already feeling exhausted. He looked wistfully at the bottle of whisky in the top cabinet, but thought better of it.

He heard the sound of bare feet on the floor and saw Arya at the door.

"I want some ice cream," she said.

"You know where it is?" Sandor asked, assuming she'd been here before.

She nodded and went over to the freezer. Sandor got her a bowl and spoon and Arya handed him a cold white tub. He scooped her out a load of what looked like a chocolate flavour, and handed it to her.

They sat together at the table and Arya munched away happily, her legs occasionally kicking him under the table.

Once Arya was finished, she sat for a while licking her lips and looking around the room, her eyes darting to and fro. Sandor also noticed that she was trembling ever so slightly.

"You alright there, kid?" He asked, frowning.

Arya nodded, her head bouncing back and forth.

Sandor slowly turned his gaze to the ice cream tub sitting on the counter. He looked back at Arya's bowl, swiped his finger around it, and popped it in his mouth.

Coffee.

'_Shit'_, Sandor thought.

Arya leapt up from her chair and ran into the living room. Sandor stood up in time to see her do a flip onto the sofa, landing on Joffrey, squishing him.

Sandor looked around frantically until he spied the set of instructions left for him on the fridge by Robert and Cersei. He scanned the page but saw nothing about what to do if a child ingests a large amount of caffeine.

Arya dashed back into the kitchen and hurled a kick into the back of Sandor's legs. He lost his balance and fell to the floor, a large piece of Lego lodging itself in his shin.

He roared with pain and clutched at his leg.

"Arya, pass me the bottle of painkillers," he said through gritted teeth.

The girl had stopped running and turned to him slowly, looking down at him with dark eyes, making no move to give him the pain relief.

"Look, I'm sorry about your friend, Michael."

"MYCAH!" Arya yelled, still twitching slightly. "You don't deserve the gift of mercy."

With that, she darted off into the living room, laughing hysterically.

Sandor winced with pain and stood up, knocking back an Ibuprofen. He walked back into the living room, his shin throbbing slightly, and saw Arya leaping around the room; jumping from the sofa to a cushion on the floor and back to the sofa.

Arya suddenly dropped to the floor, landing on a large pillow and lay there, breathing heavily from the exercise. Sandor went over and crouched in front of her.

"You ok, kid?" He asked.

Arya nodded and Sansa silently passed her a little toy wolf. Arya grinned and took the toy, playing with it happily. Sandor stood up, surveying the scene.

Sansa and Arya sat next to each other playing with their toys peacefully while Joffrey watched something with a lot of blood on TV. Sandor shrugged. As long as the girls didn't see it he didn't mind. Joffrey was beyond help.

Sandor sat down on the floor beside the girls and put a blanket round them. As he watched the screen, Sandor felt his eyelids begin to droop.

Ned opened the door to the house, supporting Robert with one arm after having drunk too much. He smiled at the scene he was met with. Sansa and Arya lay fast asleep on the floor, clutching their toys, under a big blanket and Sandor lay sprawled on top of the blanket between them, also asleep. Joffrey lay at the other end and Ned stifled a laugh as Arya kicked him in her sleep. He and Catelyn lifted the two girls into their arms, careful not to wake them, and carried them back to the car.

Sandor turned over in his sleep and thought that despite everything; perhaps the kids weren't so bad after all.


End file.
